Among all the foes I’ve faced on the road to financial independence, status anxiety has been the craftiest of assailants. Like a shadowy footpad it avoids frontal confrontation but knocks you off your stride with stealth attacks.
A few encounters spring to mind.
There was the neighbour who offered me some old furniture bound for the skip. “Please don’t be offended,” they said. “I thought it might help. We know you don’t have much money.”
I wasn’t the least offended. The offer was sincerely meant but that blunt assessment of our apparent financial state popped my ego like a party balloon.
Had our high saving rate turned us into the local raggedy rascals? Were we letting the side down with our rust-bucket on wheels?
That question answered itself when I thought of the time I strayed too near the window of an upmarket restaurant. The maitre d’ immediately activated his anti-riffraff countermeasures – swell to bouncer size, advance to block entrance, adopt a “You shall not pass” look.
I gave him mocking lip curl in return, channeling John Lydon for all I was worth. I think we both know who won that one.
More troubling than the judgement of others though is self-judgement. The pang I sometimes feel when a sleek German car slides out of the corporate car park as I get on my bike.
Increasingly the flashy motor is driven by someone younger than me.
Where’s my German car?
I don’t care about German cars. Or expensive restaurants. Or clogging Instagram with a show-reel of success.
That stuff doesn’t make me happy. I tried it.
Yet not spending hurts. It hurts my ego. It hurts my standing in the eyes of my peers and neighbours and society. Or at least I’m conditioned to think it does.
You can’t achieve financial independence without facing down status anxiety1. I can rationalise lifestyle inflation away by claiming convenience, comfort, and YOLO – but how much of our spending is actually explained by the need to assert our position in the tribe?
Our public financial statements are encoded in the language of shoes, clothes, cars, postcodes, holidays, labels, schools, clubs, watches, haircuts, and social circle.
Can you withstand the fall in your personal stock when you’re the living embodiment of a value investment?
Can you live with being an unfashionable, dogeared, and tatty-looking outfit whose real worth is apparent only to those prepared to give you time to show your true colours?
I try to. The less susceptible I am to worrying about status, the quicker I’ll reach financial independence and the more secure the rest of my life will be.
More to the point, the less I engage with that unwinnable game, the more time I’ll spend doing things that contribute to my well-being and the happiness of the people in my life who really matter.
Finding your truth
The answer that’s emerging for me is to create a counter-conditioning programme.
Society bombards me with false advertising. And as any smart propagandist knows: if you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth.
The actual truth is buried under a daily downpour of bullshit.
I need a personal filter bubble to deflect as much of the toxic waste as possible whilst enabling me to access the good when I lose sight of it.
My bubble is lashed together from different materials. A simple starting point is to create a happy list.
What the Jeff is a happy list? It’s a list of the things that make you genuinely happy. It’s not a list of goals, or lifetime achievements, or perfect moments – it’s simply the things that reliably make you glad.
On my list:
- Going for a walk with Mrs Accumulator.
- Staring at the sunset.
- My cycle ride home.
- Helping a colleague at work.
- Losing all sense of myself in a game of football.
- That moment I finish a Monevator post and it isn’t a pile of old toss (TBC).
- The thrill of learning new ideas.
- Filling my nose with the scent of trees.
- The end of a long journey.
- Catching up with an old friend.
A happy list sounds like a cheap mind trick but it’s very revealing. Most people’s list is full of simple joys, not the stuff of high status. It’s a great way to uncover your truth and to retrieve it again when you forget who you are.
You’re booked
I didn’t always have much confidence in my truth though, so I recruited some cultural heavyweights into my corner.
Books are the foundation of my filter bubble.
Nothing imports strength into your life better than communing with great minds from the past, as well as modern thinkers who can translate humanity’s accumulated wisdom into contemporary language.
I’ve talked before about some of the books that have made a difference to me.
There are many more, but how much they speak to you depends on where you are in life. (Let’s bat some good book ideas back and forth in the comments?)
Renewing your faith
Read enough good books and eventually you’ll discover that you and the greats approximately agree on the essentials of human flourishing.
It’s just you keep forgetting them. Or forgetting to believe in them.
That’s where ritualising your truth comes in. Like a god-fearing creature in a city of sin, I can only maintain my faith by habituating it and by stiffening my resolve with regular brain-hackery.
Gratitude is the simplest and most amazing technique I’ve learned. Briefly recalling three things in my life which make me happy is a fantastic circuit-breaker that reconnects me with what counts.
The power pose also works. Not because it makes me feel powerful but because it makes me laugh. It’s wonderfully silly, sends up the need for status, and reminds me not to take myself so seriously. Try being Wonder Woman or The Hulk. Raargh.
Keeping a momento mori of my past spendy life is also useful.
I’m not naturally frugal. I used to blow the lot. Now that reminder of that amazing car we once owned reminds me it was nothing but trouble. Maybe I should also frame an old letter of a promotion and remember how good that felt for five minutes?
Checking in with my favourite financial independence writers is another important ritual. There’s little new to learn about the mechanics, but plenty of value in spending time with others who swim against the mainstream.
Keeping good company is another reason why no matter how many books I read on living life, I always like to have one on the go. I don’t think I’ll ever completely subdue status anxiety but returning to an old favourite or hearing ancient ideas reinterpreted by a new voice often helps me patch holes in the filter bubble.
The lightbulb moments flashed all the time when I first started this journey towards financial independence. The problem was keeping them switched on!
Storing the illumination in a repository of values has helped with that. For me, that’s a flow chart of the ideas, ideals, habits and behaviours that represent the life I want to lead. It’s charted because I wanted a visual that I can easily recall.
I revisit it often and in my mind’s eye I see it as a web of connections that link me to what really matters.
Take it steady,
The Accumulator
- Certainly not if you’re on a modest income and want it done in a decade or less. [↩]
Worry about what your friends think about you, not your neighbours. If your friends are snooty, get new friends. Our house is scruffy, my car is cheap, little do our neighbours know millionaires reside inside, not do I care.
Seeking status so often means conspicuous consumption, which is bad for your soul and the planet.
I think this is one that calls for The Millionaire Next Door. I have no idea is the thesis for the book is true, but the idea that there are ordinary looking folk who drive beaters but are worth over $1M in capital assets is a good antidote. And I’ve known too many people with flash cars and houses. The flash cars are on PCP. My Dad was of the opinion that if you don’t pay cash for your car from savings, you can’t afford it, and after my first I’m of his opinion.
And the houses are on high LTV mortgages. Until you’ve redeemed the final payment you don’t own your house, either. A house on a mortgage is basically rented from a bank
Anyway, read TMND. Be the change you want to see and all that!
This really hit a cord. Thanks for writing.
Love this: “Storing the illumination in a repository of values” – it sounds like a patronus against the Dementors peddling consumerism!
HH
Never understood why there are people who are serial buyers of new cars. The idea of leaving a salesman happy and smiling doesn’t appeal.
The greatest wealth destroyers however are children and divorce, with private education as a side order: rather than stuff as such. However, if people stop consuming the high streets and numerous industries will be stuffed. I think it’s called a demand side recession. Of course if they save too much, interest rates go down…..
@TA, been thinking along similar lines now I have been left to my own devices. In addition to local pleasures and comforts, I reckon a ‘stretch target’ is needed. Something you want or want to do which is attainable but not within too easy reach. Travel to interesting places could do, though it’s all too much bother for me at the moment. Being cheap helps. However something is needed to keep your gaze from falling to your feet.
Very interesting! For some reason, I love to tell people I’m unemployed, or just a high school tennis coach, or just a writer. But my favorite status I like to tell people is that I’m a stay at home dad. I’m proud of the job and I love that job more than anything in the world!
I’ve been out of a job since 2012 and maybe I’ve just gotten used to it. Is there something your neighbors know about you that you have told them? My neighbors are friendly and just say hi. But they don’t give me handouts because they think I’m suffering. After all, they are my neighbors. We own similar value houses.
Check out the international bestseller, the courage to be disliked. It’s a great book.
Sam
A confession. I succumbed to status anxiety in 1980. Encouraged by my MIL (think of Hyacinth Bucket in Keeping up Appearances!) I frittered away good savings and we gave up common fun things like motorbikes, as we were on a trajectory to social elevation. Nothing was ever good enough though, and various unpleasant people, events, getting into debt and the prospect of nowhere to live (Thatcher, house prices) eventually cured us.
A very painful cure. By 1990 I had learned how to save up and choose my friends according to how nice they were as people. We finally had a decent place to live in and bring up our kids.
But it is a never ending story and I have to outwardly keep a benign smile on my face and my mouth shut when others check out my “worth” (background, schooling, housing, job). Then I move on to mix with people who are actually interesting.
Monevator has been a great source of support, We like the status of being financially secure now and the people we were before the 1980 status drive were fine, just young and inexperienced. (Yes, the motorbike has been back for a long time, it’s so much fun).
Interestingly, our kids status anxiety appears to be about “tech” but that’s another story…..
Judging by the title, I was thinking something along Financial Samurai’s interpretation.
Interestingly (also as a stay at home dad) the lack of ‘career’ title is the hardest thing for me, so I can see how only being a retired X would be hard for some.
As for keeping up with the Joneses, I’ve never had that urge. Maybe it’s coming from Northern, working class stock, the thought of an expensive car doesn’t tempt, infact the number of idiots driving expensive cars actually puts me off (except saabs, nobody drives a Saab like an idiot, but I’m not an architect either..)
Tbh, I think you can get 80% of your savings pretty easily. The Mr Money Mustache approach basically boils down to cheap/no car and cheap house near to work. After that, living off baked beans is only going to be a rounding error. But then a lot of it can actually be life enhancing, Id guess a walk and a picnic is better and more enjoyable than spending the day in a shopping centre, the money saving is incidental.
Thanks TA, this is familiar (though I’ve never been offered second hand furniture.)
Every time I see a new or nearly-new car, I think PCP and how we’re saving £2/300 a month not renting. And I like our trusty 2005 Ford Focus (bought at 6 years old) which has never gone wrong (apart from when my wife drove it into a pothole which jumped out at her one winter)
and shuttles the four of us 3000 miles a year… if it weren’t for the children, we wouldn’t bother.
The house looks a little shabby, a 7 year old and a 6 year old will do that. The carpet needs replacing, we’ve woodchip on the wall (in the immortal lyrics, but it’s in the bedrooms only, so who cares?) and we’re still using the curtains and washing machine of the lady we bought off after 7 years.
I won’t, though, compromise on coffee or wine! We’re not full on MMM frugal, more mmm mindful.
Very good.
Put this in your armour too?
One day I closed my eyes, focused on my breathing, and when I noticed my mind drifting into that self-loathing internal dialogue, I simply brought it back to focus on my breath. I did this over and over again. For weeks. And things began to change.
> cheap house near to work
and a unicorn!
It’s about how you see yourself. I exceeded all my goals in life so I was thrilled to have been able to do that. I never drove a fancy car but I married a great wife, rose to the top in my career and raised three successful kids. And because we saved and invested I retired a little early. Sure my friends have multiple houses and very expensive cars, a few even have their own private jets, but they probably have more money concerns than me and way more stuff to have to take care of. I’m happy. That’s good enough for me.
I cant really comment on London, but the rest of the country has reasonably priced housing, and probably reasonably close to work.
And if housing really is that expensive in the capital, relative to wages, maybe the calculations work out in favour of moving and working away from the capital.
@Ben I also raised an eyebrow at ‘cheap house…close to work’. And I live in a cheap region. Also if you have two workers then it’s tricky for both to be close to work. Or you are close to your base office but get sent all round the country for meetings (if you don’t live in the capital you’ll probably have to visit it – for me that’s a 12 hour day and several £100s (But at heart I agree with you, and we have managed to have at least one of us walking or cycling to work throughout).
Forgot to mark for follow up
Id hesitate to draw a line where ‘close to work’ is, id say cycling qualifies, I live a bit more rurally and my partner does on call at a hospital, so we’re always going to need a car, but we’ve only ever had the one car, so id say that qualifies. In a city you could probably get away with no cars, I think the point is actually thinking about it and working out whether the (2nd) car is worth it. Justifying it to yourself is the most important thing, but the most important thing is just not to blindly do whatever just because that’s the thing everyone does.
“we’re not full on MMM frugal, more mmm mindfull”
Made my day, that!
@ Ermine – yes, I’d recommend The Millionaire Next Door to anyone on the path to FI and particularly anyone with status anxiety concerns. I particularly love the idea that there are all these unassuming, closet success stories completely flying under the radar.
@ Ben – it’s interesting that a lack of title causes you unease whereas you’re immune to conspicuous consumption concerns. I suspect that most of us have domains where we feel we’ve met expectations (or just don’t feel the need to play) whereas we’re prone to discomfort in other areas. I guess background, upbringing, peer group and some kind of internal scorecard all play into this.
Re: picnics. One of my most successful purchases has been a thermos! Now Mrs Accumulator and I can picnic with tea and chocolate on any spot with a view when we’re out on our bikes. Dreamy.
@ Mr Optimistic – agreed. I think it’s important to build some sense of progress into life and the occasional opportunity to do something beyond the ordinary. Sparing use of travel definitely hits the spot.
@ Sam – one of the reasons the incident stuck in my mind is because the neighbours know so little about me. What they know is what they see. But we don’t look like we’re on the breadline. We just don’t have the nicest car. We don’t wear the finest threads. People fill in the blanks for themselves. I think they meant it kindly though. As in: “I’d like this to go to someone who would value it.” I’ve helped them out a few times too, so I expect that played into it.
@ Rowan – I hear you. I’ve known a few people over the years who’d put the deductive powers of Sherlock Holmes to shame when it comes to reverse engineering people’s worth from what they wear, drive and do. The conclusions they’ll leap to are astonishing. It’s like Moneyball for social circles.
@ Shep – I’m envious. I’ve made little progress through mindfulness / meditation / breathing exercises so far. Maybe I’m being impatient or ill-disciplined – need to keep working at this one.
@ Brod – sounds like you’ve struck a good balance. There’s a good piece here from Indeedably on faking the dream:
https://indeedably.com/posing-and-pretending/
@ Steveark – I forgot to reply, you sound very grounded while keeping some elevated company. Was that difficult or are you wired that way? I remember reading somewhere that John Bogle felt patronised by certain members of the billionaire class for not having enough zeros on his net worth. I expect he didn’t give a toss really but still…
On the other hand, here’s a moving interview with a guy who reached the top of his game and still didn’t feel good enough: https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2019/sep/08/jonny-wilkinson-mental-iilness-rugby-union
Always bought our cars new(wife and I) for cash.Live deep in the country and cars have to work
Keep them till cost too much
Just going to renew hers-last one 10 years old-no expenses except servicing etc
xxd09
Id guess its that it wasn’t my first choice, I was made redundant, so it wasn’t the positive life choice that others may have made. That’s a guess though.
I think theres a bit of being seen to be working hard, taking pride in a good days work is more important than the taking home a big wage packet. working class pride for want of a better phrase. For better or worse there is still a gender gap between parents and I don’t think house husband is seen quite the same as housewife, although ill concede that that could be me projecting.
Ps if you’re doing picnics properly, you need 2 flasks, 1 for the milk and 1 for the hot water.
I have two flasks! I just didn’t want to brag 😉
I feel your pain, it gets to the point where you sometimes question is it really worth going through the hassle, when everyone else seems to be living in the now having a blast with life in a state of ignorant bliss; whilst you’re frugally saving and investing your money away. Funnily enough, those same people will tend to look down on you at first glance unless “you show them all your cards”.
It can be troubling, especially when you do not know if down the line after building enough finances to secure something of a decent future, ill health strikes or/and you die prematurely and then essentially it was all for nothing when you could have spent some of the money enjoying life in the past moment.
Who is the mug then? The person who worked hard, saved and suddenly died prematurely without the chance to enjoy the fruits of their labour? Or the person who spent it all, who may have some regrets but can live with the mistakes they made?
An extreme example, but life is no easy road, especially when you are starting from the ground up. We all must walk the paths we choose, with strong resolve.
Wonderful article.
I find the ‘what do you do?’ question stressful as it’s what people ask first and expect conversations to revolve around.
Jealousy is a commodity, you notice how shows like “the real housewives” or “gemma collins diva forever” try to inspire that, and people watch thinking they could learn something from that, or the social media trade in jealousy, but really the actual life they live and products they have aren’t miles better and all the mundane is stripped out – driving a posh car doesn’t alleviate you from most aspects of driving, eating at an exclusive restaurant with a snooty waiter won’t necessarily improve the food. When people spend because of mental illness around jealousy and insecurity, they are NOT enjoying that spend more than a frugal person. Also they might take luxuries for granted.
People who know me better have gone from assuming i am poor because I don’t spend to knowing that I’m not poor for the very same reason
And it’s better that you don’t have golddigging friends
I’m still using the 2nd hand washing machine I bought in 1995. The new fridge from the same time died about 2004.
@R – just say your job is an investor, that alone is a conversation topic
@peter – if it works then great, surprised that the washing machine with moving parts and water outlived a fridge that probably doesn’t move, but I suppose theres mechanical strain on the element with thermal expansion&contraction?
Brilliant post! Liked the line “Can you withstand the fall in your personal stock when you’re the living embodiment of a value investment?”.
I think there is a certain level when rejecting status becomes harmful and unnecessary. Think full on Diogenes, never changing your clothes and sleeping on the street. However the fact is that society as a whole swings way to much in the other direction. It is very easy to become an “average” member of society with an “average” status without spending a fortune. Anything beyond this is often a waste of money (think expensive new cars, etc), imo.
I enjoyed the post, thank you. I am interested in other peoples experience with internal / external validation, which I believe this discussion related to. Different personalities, different circumstances, different environments , they make the experience different. But always interesting!
Don’t know if you have kids, but if so, thermos flask full of hot-dogs! What a laugh! Absolute winner…
Great article. I drive an 05 Ford Focus, but secretly my house is paid for and my assets incl property are approaching $1m – and would be considerably over if 52% of the population hadn’t voted the way they did. I find the condescending tone of some of my friends amusing, but somewhat grating at times.
I think there’s an entrepreneurial opportunity here. Ie., How can I solve the need for status among people who don’t want to buy doodads?
Surely, what we all really need is some discreet but exclusive symbol, like an Amex Centurion Card, that trumps all the German cars and private schools.
I call this ‘learning to embrace your inner eccentric’. And I firmly believe that this is a core skill for both achieving FI and to a great extent wider happiness in life. You have to ‘not care’ what other people think – within reason – clearly if they are gasping from your lack of personal hygiene then maybe you do need to care about their reactions, but job status, where they went on holiday, what car they drive – you just have to learn to shut it out and do what you know is right for you. Inner certainty – without excessive external smugness – is the target state of being….
I realise now that my parents trained me for this from a young age. In the 1970s my mums actual daily runabout that I was taken to school in was from 1933, and the ‘new car’ was from 1958. You develop a fairly thick skin when that happens to you (and my parents were well above average income – house with no mortgage etc). I fought against it probably into my late twenties, but now having reached 50, and fortunately with a wife who is of a like mind, my children have been driven around in (and now driving) cars that are 12+ years old – when their status conscious friends are driving 2 year old german cars. It’s a tough training course, but I suspect in the long run it delivers benefits.
I dont claim this is original thought – at least half of what MMM talks about is how to be happy with your decisions and choices. The problem with the leaders of a faith is that they need to be excessively zealous to bring people along at a lower level of commitment – MMM is deliberately provocative and attention grabbing – ‘clown cars’ – and I think that does annoy quite a few people.
Isnt it interesting how for most normal people cars are the go-to reference for external displays of status…….what power the manufacturers have built up over the last 100 years…..
Always been happy looking outwardly poor but rich inside. Less likely to get burgled that way. We’re the only household on our street without a car and my mountain bike was about 20% of the cost of the friends I ride with. All my tech is secondhand as is much of our other stuff.
But the missus no longer needs to work and I could comfortably retire tomorrow if I wanted. As it is, I work part-time.
@Marcus – mines an 08 plate ;). How have you lost out due to brexit? its been a good boost for me (but only because I’m measuring in £s)
Status for me is derived from what I can do, not so much what I purchase. Its a nice way of framing it as you have a lot of control over what you can do. There’s a portion of my peers who are into conspicuous consumption and Jonesism, I don’t really compete with them, I get a bit of schadenfreude from them as they tend to be a bit out of shape and they don’t know how to fix anything, they also tend to work quite long hours. There is another portion of my peers who I would categorise as the ‘artisans’ be it in the work/music/sport/DIY domains. Now this group I do compete with and its very satisfying to do so as they’re super competent so its hard but at the same time you feel like you’re really getting somewhere and at the end of the day you end up with something pretty valuable, i.e. better skills! Staying strong and skilling up is a great way to fight your fears. The artisans are great people to hang out with as well on the whole.
In other words, be choosy about the people you hang out with. That will go a long way to improving quality of life/general happiness.
The title of this book covers it for me: What Do You Care What Other People Think? Further Adventures of a Curious Character is a captivating collection of reminiscences from freewheeling scientific genius Richard P. Feynman.
And the scales have finally fallen from my eyes… it’s painful when it’s revealed that one of your great FI heroes boasts about their conspicuous consumption – TWO THERMOS FLASKS INDEED!!!
And here’s another post about keeping up with the Joneses:
https://humbledollar.com/2019/09/mercedes-and-me/
I’ve never been described as a hero before.
Would it make you feel better if I told you one was a Christmas present for my partner?
Heroic and good at buying gifts!
Where you can, do what makes you feel happy. Where you can’t, accept it philosophically.
@Peter, also surprised that the washing machine outlasted the fridge!
But in case of a fridge, especially if it was built on the last century (which yours, being from 2004, should not have been), it might be the case the right financial decision is to replace.
Just one example: my parents replaced their ~25-year fridge a few years ago – not because of efficiency concerns, simply because they wanted a new, bigger, one. I keep track of the electricity use and after the new fridge was installed they started saving around €100 per year of electricity, and I’m sure the vast majority of those savings result from the fridge alone (it’s hard to disentangle all the effects in electricity usage, but the % drop in that year was several percentage points higher than the years before and after). The new fridge cost €750 or something like that, so in less than 10 years it’s paid for (they gave the old one away and AFAIK it’s still running as a secondary fridge for that person; probably the person that got it would be better off buying a new one).
Not really, Ben. It’s a team effort with shared resources.
For example, what’s mine is my wife’s and what’s hers is hers too.
€750 for a fridge! You surely mean a car with a/c ?
@ Rhino: Hot dogs in a flask? You sir have made my day – i will have to try it out.
I love it, being asked if you wanted old furniture instead of putting it in a skip. If its any help I remember reading an article about super rich people who are not in the limelight, They dress down, dont wear expensive watches or jewellery, dont drive expensive cars, cultivate an “average person” profile. The reason is because they are paranoid about being a target for hostage takers. Being super rich comes with its own set of problems.
Indeed – Brexit has been good for my wealth when stated in Sterling as i’m exposed heavily to US stocks. When stated in dollar terms it’s a bit of a disaster though. My earnings are definitely not keeping pace with my NY based colleagues but the Focus keeps going come what may 😉
I think we all have status anxiety, the only question is where. I have met people aiming for FIRE whose version of ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ is net savings rate. I have met people who compete on frugality, and boy can they be boring! And I have met the usual people who are obsessed with their new car, yacht, house, holiday, spouse, children – whatever.
We all seek approval from someone (bar a few sociopaths), and we acutely measure our position against that group we seek approval from.
My weakness is professional esteem. I like people in my space to think I am contributing something useful. To be respected for what I know and do. And it can be just as painful and destructive as new car envy. I got made redundant on one specific occasion, and it really hurt. I tried to figure out why and realised that whilst I could quite happily cope with the idea that the company didn’t need me any more, it was the thought that they still needed some of my colleagues that rankled. Especially the ones I had a low opinion of. Fortunately for my mental equilibrium, within a couple of years all the useless drones they had kept whilst disposing of me were toast.
As a group, readers and contributors to this blog are probably not driven by material goods. We spend cautiously, and we hope wisely. We save what we can, perhaps denying ourselves pleasures today in the hope of pleasures to come. We have our rainy day fund and investments that we hope will give us freedom of choice in the future. But we can also be superior and dismissive of those who have not taken this path. My brother is a bit of a spendthrift living for today, and I am ashamed to say I get a warm and superior glow when I hear about his latest financial disaster. I still help him, but it does feel good.
We have to be careful we don’t end up like the dung beetles in the Insect Play by the Capek Brothers; only concerned about “my pile”, “my capital”.
So my thesis is we are all status conscious, it’s part of being human, but it does not always revolve around money, possessions and power. Where do your status worries sit?
@Mr Optimistic. He he. I don’t know where you live, but where my parents live €750 for a fridge of that size was a pretty good deal. 🙂
@ Old Eyes – I couldn’t agree more. If there’s anyone out there who doesn’t doubt themselves in any domain then they’re either amazing or a Dunning Kruger case study. You can’t just ‘get over yourself’ either. One of the things I wanted to illustrate is that you can know something isn’t true but not be able to completely shake the belief either e.g. my rationale self doesn’t want a flash car but I share my braincase with a rampant little egotist who does. Dissonance is in play.
Your truthful comment about social esteem reminds me of the Gore Vidal quote:
“Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.”
‘ it’s not enough to succeed, others must fail’
@Mr O (49)
Interesting quote. I wonder, though, if a runner on passing the line 1st thinks, “I won”, or “I beat you all”?
This always makes me think (by some French nobleman in about 1600 I believe):-
‘In the misfortune of our friends, we always find something which pleases us. We are all strong enough to bear the misfortunes of others.’
I guess little changes when it comes to human nature.
All my friends I have known from childhood with a couple of exceptions are conventionally successful and wealthy. The only time this seriously upset me was when we were young and I realised I was not cut out for the relentless careerism such a life demanded. I do worry about it somewhat now because it can be uncomfortable to be in a social circle with people of much greater means as I cannot compete with them. However I have had a far more adventurous life than most of them and I wouldn’t want to swap places for a moment. I have enough to be close to a modest FI anyway so I feel I have made a sensible compromise. My advantage is that I have always been very clear in my own mind that life is a trade off between the here and now and the future. A lot of the wealth pursuit I see seems to be mindless status seeking by people who are clearly very clever and capable but who lack the imagination to actually do anything!
This is really a great article.
You are a buddhist and you don’t know it yet.
@OE/TA – yes, I think you’re on the money. As Peterson pointed out, status anxiety is so baked in to life even lobsters have it 😉 and as you say, you can’t pretend its not there but you can choose the metrics upon which you suffer!
I think some have just subconsciously assimilated their set of metrics from a combination of genetics and environment, and for that scenario its just luck as to whether they work for you or make you miserable. If you consciously make an effort to cut your metrics according to the cloth of your character I thing you can tilt the odds of them working for you slightly in your favour?
As to some commenters, to say ‘I’m above all that’ is probably vanity and slightly disingenuous, there is a lot of vanity abound in the FI blogosphere and not quite enough humility IMHO.
Cat793
This such an honest statement
We raised 3 kids -all married and successful BUT you have to pay the price was made clear to them from the start
If another route was take then that’s OK but no complaining down the line if the wheels come off
Parents have the ultimate responsibility with the obvious exceptions where life throws a curve ball!
Choices have consequences
It would be so boring if we were all the same-our artists,adventurers,musicians who make our conventional life’s so interesting
Both choices of lifestyle cost!
xxd09
I love @MattDD’s ‘learning to embrace your inner eccentric’! To a certain extent, I’ve mostly not been concerned about what other people thought – it was tough when I was in my 20s and 30s (hence I spent a lot), it’s easier now that I’m older. I can also be happy for friends who are spending rather than saving – it’s their life, it’s what makes them happy, I’m not going to sneer or preach at them. Do I worry that all this saving and investing will be for nothing? No, I reckon I’m living a good balanced life so don’t think I’m missing out on anything.
@Rhino – hotdogs in a flask? Genius!
@Rhino, + 1 for the hot dogs in a thermos trick. The perfect shape for a thermos and makes a picnic with kids special.
haha – I’ve obviously struck a cord (sic) with the hot-dogs!
and on my previous vanity/humility comment, to be brutally honest, I have myself in the cross-hairs to a certain extent..
I’m with @Brod on coffee and wine, it’s worth paying a bit more for things you really enjoy along side being pretty frugal. The thing is to find the sweet spot you notice the difference before the law of diminishing returns kicks in.
I suffer a lot from what cat793 says. I am not a careeist person but it is hard when both mine and others expectations are to be on a certain tragectory or position. Then hearing about how well others you used to work woth are doing as they are now so and so a position. Then there is legacy, what will i leave behind when i shuffle of this mortal plain. Why dont i have a wikipedia page yet damn it. The issues of being an introvert in an extrovert world.
I am less bothered about material posessions, other than the fear that I could have bought a flash car but instead saved it and watch that money evaporate in a market crash or some sort of confiscation etc.
Treat it like a badge of honour Accumulator. When I get a large unexpected bill, family and friends offer to loan or contribute. If only they knew! Thierry Henry in the Renault advert said “It’s not what you show, it’s what you conceal”.
The novels by Tom Wolfe ably capture how status seeking is a key driver for many of us. Well worth reading.
Another element contributing to status anxiety is location. My wife and I now travel the world full-time on a shoestring (in our 30’s) – not hostels, just in normal apartments.
If we’re in somewhere like Mexico (generally speaking here, obviously it varies), materialism is very low and we feel just part of the scenery. There are hardly any shops or expensive restaurants to even try and show off your worth – even the US expats seem generally content with a very low-key life.
Flying back to London on an overnight flight and blearily staggering through Kings Cross station at what turned out to be rush-hour, I’ve never felt like more of a pauper. Sharp suits, power dressing, strings of Mercedes outside the door. I suddenly felt like a complete hobo (admittedly not helped by my odour after 15 hours of travelling).
I think I would now really struggle to live my lifestyle and be happy with it in a place like London (and not just because of the rent!).
@accumlator/investor: As an aside, and I’m sure you’ve been asked this loadsa times, but is there any chance of upgrading the comment features. specifically to allow upvotes/downvotes, and most importantly to allow people to reply directly to others comments?
Long ago I read a very good book on class, which pointed out that displaying status through spending on stuff is a very middle-class pursuit. Proper old money will happily drive around in an old car and wear threadbare quality clothing. Pursuit of the approval of others is downright vulgar. So why not behave like a new aristo with your passive income?
@Richard – Of course the highest status is to have so much status that it is obvious and does not need to be shown through material possessions. Proper old money (aristos particularly) are so confident in their status compared to the majority that they don’t have to signify it through clothing or other material goods. But they still have comparative status issues, hence displays of family trees and histories, stately homes and owning large tracts of London or the Scottish Highlands. They look down on the nouveau riche because they are playing a very different game. But a Duke still trumps a Viscount and a Dukedom of earlier foundation beats a Dukedom created later.
So you can behave like an aristo, but the aristos won’t buy it, and if you don’t have the ‘other’ trappings of status, most other people won’t buy it either.
Trustafarians may ape the bohemian lifestyle, but most people see that without assets they couldn’t afford to be unconventional.
I think we are stuck with status anxiety of one form or another as we are a competitive-collaborative species. The best thing we can do it to push the status anxiety to a place that does us and others no harm and lets us use our potential for the best. I for one am pleased that concert pianists compete to be the best they can, although they clearly have status anxieties.
I agree with your points about the real old money, of course, but I was being a little tongue-in-cheek. But I think the point of FI *is* to have financial independence, and that really *should* grant the confidence not to have to show off, otherwise you haven’t achieved the independence yet.
But I’ve lived my adult life in a university town full of eccentrics, or abroad and thus out of the system, so my perspective is probably a bit warped.
The comments on this article are just as juicy as the article. I read one and then bask in it’s beauty.