How talking about money is like French kissing

My family would sooner discuss genital warts than my income or my investments.

And to be honest, like most Brits I find something admirable in this.

Talking about money all day gets dull and weaselly. Tossing exciting start-up ideas around or debating undervalued stocks back and forth over a few beers is my idea of fun, but even I don’t ask my friend whether he can really afford the next round of drinks.

Tell people you’ve a dream to own a Ferrari dealership in every city and you’re the next Richard Branson. Tell them you want to be able to buy a Ferrari out of your pocket change, and you’re an evil, money-grabbing maniac, who’s no better than an… American!

(Important note to my US readers: some of my best friends are American! I’m merely discussing a national caricature. Don’t blame me, blame Monty Python.)

Yet in truth there’s a huge price we all pay for our national reticence about money – whether you’re at the bottom of the ladder struggling with debt, or further up and ready to take your wealth to the next level.

Avoiding money talk can destroy your life

For many husbands and wives, the first time they hear about their partner’s mounting debt is when it becomes so big it threatens to bankrupt the family.

How can a partnership as supposedly intimate as marriage be oblivious to such a secret? It’s because our reluctance to discuss money means the problem grows hidden away rather than being aired and solved together.

Ironically, the conversation that follows a full revelation often brings a drifting couple closer together. The other party sees that the unspoken money issues had created the distance between them; it wasn’t a lack of love but a fear of debt that was driving them apart.

How silly! What a worthless thing money is compared to love! What a ridiculous thing to split up a marriage!

Controversial, you say?

I don’t care, I’ll say it again:

What a worthless thing money is compared to love!

Money is just a tool. It’s a vital tool, certainly, and Monevator.com is about handling it expertly, so that it works for you rather than against you.

But money is just a means to an end.

Wealth is a way to enjoy a richer life, whereas a life rich in money but nothing else is poorer than that of the humblest peasant if he’s surrounded by laughing friends and family, and has access to decent food and water. Just ask anyone who’s traveled widely.

We should speak about money when it threatens to overwhelm us. We should share our dreads, take the sting out of money, and figure out how to overcome cashflow problems as if they were no more emotionally-charged than mending a fence or choosing where to eat.

Easier said then done, of course, but that should be our aim.

You can talk yourself rich

What about at the other side of this coin? After all, I said an aversion to discussing money could harm the wealthy, too, right?

This works in two ways.

Firstly, if you avoid sharing your ambitions about money, your brain will interpret that as something to be ashamed of and you’re unlikely to commit wholeheartedly to your mission to become rich.

Rock stars, great athletes, models – very few of them were shy about revealing their ambitions long before they achieved them. Saying they’d get there over and over helped them believe it, and they needed that belief to make it.

It’s exactly the same with the self-made rich, whether they’re entrepreneurs like Richard Branson, or a more modest Millionaires Next Door.

Secondly, nobody wastes money like the moderately well-off.

The rich may buy fancy wrist watches and holiday in the Virgin Islands, but as a rule they didn’t become wealthy by spending half their disposable income on hedonism.

Apparently ostentatious outgoings are typically just a fraction of their overall wealth. Most of their money goes back into their businesses and investments, or else into enduring assets like property, art, furniture and their children.

In contrast, middle-class families get into a spending cycle that can quickly see them seesawing in and out of the red.

Yet should anyone close to them get qualms about their spending, the fear of discussing money – the knowledge that even bringing it up will cause an emotional row – holds their tongue.

Who knows: Your partner may be thinking exactly the same thing as you, but is equally afraid to say anything. You may both be secretly longing for a more stable, less Keeping Up with the Jones’ driven lifestyle, but instead you’re going to struggle with your finances into your old age out of fear of a conversation.

Money talks, bullshit walks

Don’t be afraid of talking about money, if you want to have any.

I’m not saying you need to grab your postman or your daughter’s schoolteacher and tear their ear off as you wax lyrical about the joys of compound interest.

But among the significant people in your life – immediate family, key friends on the same ‘money wavelength’, and perhaps even your boss or business partners – money should be no more a taboo subject than sports results or the latest Hollywood blockbuster.

Don’t push it, mind. Not everyone is on the same path as you, and it’s hard enough to change your own thinking, let alone your friends’ attitude towards money.

Personally, if you’re in a relationship then I think sooner or later you need to be able to talk about money sensibly and straightforwardly with your partner. For me, that’s non-negotiable if you’re to avoid problems further down the line.

Friends and especially colleagues are another matter, and you need to be sensitive here.

Try bringing up the subject a few times, always one-to-one. Mention investing one time, your hopes for your retirement income another. Maybe try bringing up debt, in as neutral a manner as possible, and see what they say.

Ideally, your friend will pick up the baton and you’ll have a new ally in your quest to become good with money. You can swap ideas, gee each other along when times are tough, and enjoy each others’ success.

However if your friend is resistant, let it lie if you value their friendship.

There’s much more to life than money, and friends can fulfill all sorts of roles. You have to accept this friend isn’t going to be on your team when it comes to financial matters. If he or she starts ranting about the ‘lucky rich’ or bemoaning a lousy salary and generally being negative, just tune out and think about your share portfolio.

Your friend will soon take the hint and assume you’re just another of the millions who doesn’t like to talk about money. The conversation will turn to football or gossip about some starlet. Their loss.

Pucker up!

One final point – when you’re comfortable talking about money, you’ll encounter more opportunities to make it.

This isn’t some mystical mantra I’m asking you to swallow, it’s common sense.

If you can talk about money without judging the other person or getting emotional, successful people will be more than happy to chat. You’ll discover new business opportunities, new perspectives on investment, and you’ll become accustomed to living in a world where money is spoken of as a positive thing, rather than as a problem or a dread secret.

Ultimately, talking about money is rather like kissing. Don’t overdo it, and don’t shove it down other people’s throats, but enjoy it when you get the chance – and never be ashamed of it.

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